THIS ONE IS MY TUB OF DUPLOS

YOU GO GET YOUR OWN TUB OF DUPLOS I CAN LIE HERE ALL DAY

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Tonight, on Downton Baby:

FIRST: Scandal engulfs the village as a giant fluffy bear descends upon the manor house, where it presides, gathering rainwater and shocking the villagers until it eventually falls upon Cousin Rose, on her way to her debutante ball (?), crushing her instantly.

LATER: A giant baby rampages through the county, destroying half of Downton and eating the roofs of several village homes.

How to Take Your 18-Month-Old Twins to the Gym for a Workout in 33 Easy Steps

1. Capture Twin A. Affix boots to his feet. Stuff his hands into mittens and put his hat on.

2. Capture Twin B. Repeat process with boots/hat/mittens.

3. Stop Twin A from emptying kitchen trash; replace trash in can; find and reapply hat/mittens.

4. Text husband frantically because you can’t find the twins’ coats.

5. Find coats hanging on the coat hook (who put them there?) and capture Twin A again. Stuff arms into coat and zip.

6. Temporarily misplace Twin B. Find him in the bathroom playing in the toilet. Reapply mittens/hat. Stuff arms into coat and zip.

7. Wrestle twins into gargantuan double stroller, with particular attention to Twin A, who is now loudly mourning the end of his kitchen trash playtime and also demanding cheese. Forget gym shoes halfway out the door. Grab them and throw them in the stroller.

8. Trundle stroller through slush and ice ridges to the car. Remove twins from stroller and wrestle into car seats.

9. Find and reapply Twin B’s hat.

10. Realize Twin A is mittenless again. Look for mittens. Find them in a snowdrift near the door. Reapply mittens.

11. Try to fold stroller up to put it in the trunk.

12. Stroller will not fold. Try again.

13. Curse loudly at stroller while kicking it. Smile politely at inquisitive passing dog walkers. Stuff stroller into trunk. Slam trunk until it shuts.

14. Drive to gym.

15. Find a parking space.

16. Remove twins from car seats and wrestle back into the stroller. Realize Twin A is mittenless again. Double back to find mittens. Contemplate bringing multiple extra pairs of mittens everywhere you go.

17. Check twins into gym daycare. Remove all outerwear and stuff outerwear into stroller. ESCAPE QUICKLY.

18. Work out! (This step is important.)

19. Return to gym daycare to find Twin A melting down on the floor. Remove from floor. Attempt to affix outerwear. Stuff into stroller.

20. Find Twin B. Affix outerwear. Stuff into stroller.

21. Taking his cue from his brother, Twin B has decided that screaming is a good idea and joins the fun. Try to convince him that this is a bad idea.

22. Reapply mittens/hat to Twin A.

23. Run (flailing madly; smiling politely at passersby) to car as fast as you can in the cold, trundling stroller through the snow.

24. Wrestle still-screaming Twin A into car seat. Give him his sippy cup in an attempt to calm him down.

25. Retrieve sippy cup from snowbank and give it back to him.

26. Retrieve sippy cup from floor of car and give it back to him.

27. Strap Twin B into his car seat.

28. Stuff stroller into back of car without folding or locking it.

29. Drive home. Music is helpful at this stage to drown out the yelling.

30. Remove twins from car, wrestle still-screaming Twin A and sleeping Twin B into stroller again. Contemplate how many calories might be burned in each stroller-to-car-seat exchange with a screaming toddler.

31. Trundle stroller indoors.

32. Remove outerwear and carry twins into their cribs for a nap.

33. Take a shower. Workout complete.

Toddler New Year’s Resolutions, by Anthony and Dominic

1. Successfully steal Big Brother’s stuffed animal, Froggy Bear, and keep him forever.

2. Build more forts.

3. Escape from the nurses and run into the employee lounge BEFORE the shots next time.

4. Complete transformation into tiny stegosaurus.

Stegosaurus wear mittens, right?

5. Learn to play the piano.

6. Or maybe the trumpet while I’m at it. Practice every morning before the sun rises.

7. Figure out how to open this drawer in Daddy’s desk that he keeps taping shut. There must be good things in there. photo 3

8. GROW OUT MY HAIR

NO THANK YOU I DO NOT NEED ANY MORE HAIRCUTS NO

9. Abolish winter. (Our mom made us add this one.)